not too dramatic

I write about my feelings a lot.  Except for last week's trip home, nothing too dramatic has been happening outside or inside of me.  No spikes in plot or fever.  I have no other summer plans, no other trips on the docket.  Hoping for spontaneous camping adventures, which is a dramatic shift for me in the last two years.  Hopefully not involving asthmatic camp stoves and twenty chompy mouths.  Although that wouldn't be so bad, either...

But last week, oh my.  Lots of movement on the outside... long plane rides, long car trips, and long walks.  Punctuated by short sleeps.  Followed by long naps. Talking, talking, talking.  Singing and playing.  Waiting.

I was explaining the internal process of growing into my twenties to my friend Laura over a cup of the best cold press coffee of my life.  A consistent excavation of my inner parts, followed by longing and filling and excavation and long longing.  Counseling seems to indicate that grieving and longing and hope are all crucial components to life.  I would like to not be filling myself with the junk food of time wasters so I can experience longing.  So that I can hurt enough to hope for life.  My friend Mary talked about a great book she's reading from IVP about disillusionment.  That's the story of our twenties, I think.  Maybe earlier and later, too, since it's real life. 

A couple of my friends have saved things I've written down, and they like them a lot.  That makes me feel special, and that writing is "worth it."  I have forgotten much of what I've said or liked or written.  I miss EC because that's when so much of that happened.  And some of it has died.  I went to a friend's grave back there, and spent some time with.  I spent time with "the very much alive."  I walked to the bridges and crossed my memory. 

A friend of mine hoped that I was finding outlets and being challenged into the uncomfortable.  What happens when simply being is uncomfortable?  What happens when the farthest out I'm reaching is very, very much in?  It's hard to talk about it, because it's not a success story.  Nothing like it.  It IS part and parcel of the whole.

I have nothing to say except all of this.  I hope that's all right.