Somehow, I am suppose to look back and evaluate the lessons I have learned about discipleship over the semester. Somehow, I am feeling very emotional about it all. I am seeing how much this time actually means. So often, I am caught up in the trappings of it, and I don't take the time to trace the movement of God's hand throughout life and times. He is incredible.
This semester is more life than I can remember in a long, long time. I wonder about it all. I bet my life will be more life. Not like this life, but other life, different life. It will keep on coming. I cannot even see the fog in front of my face, but there is space for newness in my heart-room. So much. I cannot see it now, and I may never.
I want to have reconciled relationships. I want the relationships I begin to start redeemed and to end there. I want to live new and free and clear-conscienced every day, and to make right what has gone wrong, to the best of my wisdom and abilities. But even that is pride. Maybe, like in the story I read today, the goal is not to lose but embrace one's shadow, to face one's deep fears, to keep reuniting one's divorced half-lives and drawing the sundered cords tight into one. I am so deeply loved.
Why would I ever try to live other people's stories? Why do I try to live my own as if it were about me?
Looking back is a thank-you; forward, a yes please.
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